Because of Mama, I'm an Artist.

So thankful for a mother that exposed me to the arts!!!!!! Because of her, I have a healthy appreciation for a wide range of music, theatre, and many other artistic expressions of culture and humanism. Because of her, I have a beautiful love affair with the pen. Because of her, I had a chance to be center stage with natural talent and cultivated confidence. Because of her, I have a beautiful memory of colors, shapes, and textures.
Thank you, Mama. You are the reason why I consider myself an artist.
And special thanks to Scroggins Elementary's fine arts department. In my other life, I had the opportunity to draw, paint, tile, sculpt, and weave. You made the first ten years of my life, rich with color!
P.S. A lot of people don't know this... I actually placed in a city wide contest when I was a kid. And if I have to say what I miss the most about seeing, it would be the beautiful art that God has painted and sculpted the world with.

Mama and the Baby (Part One)

At least two times in the recent months, I dreamt of Mama and a beautiful baby girl. The first time I had the dream was right after Mama died. I wondered who was this beautiful baby. She didn’t appear to be mine, but it was clear she was loved by me. After awaking, I figured it was the child of a close family member.

I don’t believe the baby belonged to my sister, Kim. My sister was in the dream and wasn’t eager at all about comforting the baby when the child was getting fussy. She walked out the room and my mother and didn’t seem to get upset with her for ignoring the baby’s cries.

The baby had a light complexion like me, a head full of black, wavy hair like my nieces, and a feisty manner like my sister, Paula. In the dream, my mother obviously adored her. She was smiling from ear to ear as she looked upon this gorgeous girl.

In the dream, my mother got a kick out of the baby fussing when she was waiting for me to give her bottle. My mother thought it was so cute how the baby was kicking her legs and grimacing at me when I was moving too slow for the baby’s impatient demand for milk. As soon as I popped the bottle in the baby’s mouth, the baby ceased the crying and started eating like she had never eaten before. My mother laughed even harder.

When I woke up from the dream, I quickly skimmed over my memory of the dream. I wondered whose baby that was. I remember how cute she was.

But what I remembered the most from the dream was my mother’s smile and the sound of her laughter. That warmed my heart. Even though it was a dream, I was glad to see a smile on my mother’s face and hear joy spring from her heart.

For weeks, the dream stayed with me. I cherished the smile on my mother’s face, but wondered who was this mystery baby.

The First Christmas Without...

For some strange reason, Christmas wasn’t a problem for me. I got up like it was any other Christmas morning, gave the family their gifts from me, and relaxed until it was time to go to my cousin’s house for her annual Christmas party.

Strangely, my sister decided to add my mother’s name to the gift that I gave her. Even though I thought it was totally weird for her to place Mama’s name on the gift that I purchased for her after Mama was dead, I didn’t trip too hard. The truth is that I bought the gift with the money that Mama left me. So, I guess that in a way, the gift was also from Mama. My heart went out to my sister, who wanted to do anything she could to keep Mama a part of our Christmas. God bless my sis.

I did wish that Mama was there to watch my six-year-old niece, Elyssa, open all her gifts. But that desire wasn’t coupled with pain. It was just a simple wish that couldn’t be achieved. I dealt with it and kept it moving.

Later that night, we headed to my cousin’s house and had a good time with family. I was glad to hug and kiss everyone. I chose to focus on the family I did have left. I perhaps gave more gift than I usually do. I guess that was another way I coped with the loss. I gave from my heart to the people that were still left with me.

I’m quite thankful that Christmas 2016 was tolerable. I’m glad that I was with my family. I’m just glad that I wasn’t in the bed, crying all day because of Mama being gone.

Happy Holidays!

Hot Fun in the Wintertime!

This past weekend I got a chance to travel to Miami!!!!!!! It was my first time to the beautiful city. Unfortunately, it was rainy for most of the days we were there. But thankfully, the sun forced its way through the clouds long enough to shine and cover us with its love. What a joy it was to experience beautiful, winy, sunny weather in the winter time. Thank you Florida!!!!!!!
We were in Miami celebrating my friend’s Chad birthday. While I will not comment on the birthday celebrations or the people that were there to celebrate Chad’s birthday, I will talk about myself and what this trip meant for me.

Aside from the tropical winds and the occasional sun, the trip was filled with a lot of emotional ups and downs. What was I doing the whole time we were in Miami? You guessed it… I was thinking about Mama.

I was wishing that Mama was there with me to experience the wind, see the palm trees, smell the ocean, and enjoy the view from our 27th floor balcony. I wished she was there to tell me how glad she was to visit Florida for the first time in her life. But sadly, Mama never got a chance to visit Florida. And she never got a chance to take a “real” vacation with me.

By the time I was old enough and had enough money to invest in travel and vacation, Mama had her first stroke. It was a downhill slide for her health once that happened.

Here’s what I decided when I turned 40… I decided to visit somewhere I had not been at least once a year for the rest of my life or until my health fails me. When I turned 40, I went to New Orleans. Last year, I went to Miami. I’m trying to decide where I will pilgrimage to this year. I’ll keep you updated.

And when I go, I’ll be thinking of Mama. But I’ve now decided that instead of feeling sad that she’s not with me, I’ll be enjoying life in her honor. I’ll take every advantage of “living” that my mother didn’t get a chance to do.

So, here’s to the next trip!!!!!!! Can’t wait to live it up for myself and Mama!!!!!!!

Turkey, Dressing, and No Mama

Thanksgiving was good for me. I didn’t think too much about how terrible it was that Mama is gone. I focused on providing a good meal for the family despite our recent loss. I wanted to make sure that the holiday season didn’t miss a beat, even though we missed Mama.

We had a pretty good meal. After we ate, I hooked up with my daddy and headed to my aunt’s house to round up my effort to keep Thanksgiving as festive as it would be as any other year.

In a way, I felt a little guilty for having a good time for Thanksgiving. People were calling me and asking me how I was doing. They made me feel like I should have somehow told them I was doing terrible this Thanksgiving. What was wrong with me that I didn’t feel so bad this first Thanksgiving without her?

I guess it’s because Thanksgiving is about “family” in general. Yes, my mother is a part of my family. But there are so many others in my family that I was given the opportunity to focus on and create a good experience for during the Thanksgiving weekend. So, that’s what I did.

At this point, I’m thanking God for the few moments that I have that I don’t feel like crying. So, in honor of Thanksgiving 2015… God, thank you for a fairly peaceful, no tears Thanksgiving.
AB

If Only I knew

If I knew that I was going to miss Mama this much, I would've smothered her with my love and attention when she was here. She would've had to literally beat me off with a stick. Hind sight is always too late.

Dreaming

I’m very glad to report that I’ve been doing much better. The tears are showing up less and less. I haven’t cried in about three weeks.

However, the salty water has been replaced with dreams about Mama. I’m fine with that though. The dreams allow me a chance to hear Mama’s contagious laugh, take a look at her gorgeous smile, and have a quick talk with the woman I respect the most. I hope I never stop dreaming about her.
Although the grief is become less burdensome, I do find that I still think about Mama all the time. There’s very little that I can do in a run of a day that doesn’t somehow link to a memory of my mother. Shopping at Target, drinking lemonade, sitting outside on the porch, watching the Price is Right, picking out a new mattress, and getting dressed for work are just a few examples of the tasks I’ve done that cause me to think of her.

I’ve decided that I absolutely cannot stay at this house. Although I’m dedicated to holding my mother’s memory close to my heart, I do believe that the memory of Mama’s presence in this house is too much for me. I must find me a new home to create new memories. This house contains memories of Mama that are too painful to live in. While she didn’t die here, she did become deathly ill here. I cannot get those last moments here at the house out of my head.

And I’m still having issues with her room. I haven’t been in there to clean anything out since the last time I posted here.

Yeah, I know… I’m going to have to get better with that. All in time, my friends. All in time…

When I leap that hurdle with triumph, I’ll let you guys know.