Hot Fun in the Wintertime!

This past weekend I got a chance to travel to Miami!!!!!!! It was my first time to the beautiful city. Unfortunately, it was rainy for most of the days we were there. But thankfully, the sun forced its way through the clouds long enough to shine and cover us with its love. What a joy it was to experience beautiful, winy, sunny weather in the winter time. Thank you Florida!!!!!!!
We were in Miami celebrating my friend’s Chad birthday. While I will not comment on the birthday celebrations or the people that were there to celebrate Chad’s birthday, I will talk about myself and what this trip meant for me.

Aside from the tropical winds and the occasional sun, the trip was filled with a lot of emotional ups and downs. What was I doing the whole time we were in Miami? You guessed it… I was thinking about Mama.

I was wishing that Mama was there with me to experience the wind, see the palm trees, smell the ocean, and enjoy the view from our 27th floor balcony. I wished she was there to tell me how glad she was to visit Florida for the first time in her life. But sadly, Mama never got a chance to visit Florida. And she never got a chance to take a “real” vacation with me.

By the time I was old enough and had enough money to invest in travel and vacation, Mama had her first stroke. It was a downhill slide for her health once that happened.

Here’s what I decided when I turned 40… I decided to visit somewhere I had not been at least once a year for the rest of my life or until my health fails me. When I turned 40, I went to New Orleans. Last year, I went to Miami. I’m trying to decide where I will pilgrimage to this year. I’ll keep you updated.

And when I go, I’ll be thinking of Mama. But I’ve now decided that instead of feeling sad that she’s not with me, I’ll be enjoying life in her honor. I’ll take every advantage of “living” that my mother didn’t get a chance to do.

So, here’s to the next trip!!!!!!! Can’t wait to live it up for myself and Mama!!!!!!!

Turkey, Dressing, and No Mama

Thanksgiving was good for me. I didn’t think too much about how terrible it was that Mama is gone. I focused on providing a good meal for the family despite our recent loss. I wanted to make sure that the holiday season didn’t miss a beat, even though we missed Mama.

We had a pretty good meal. After we ate, I hooked up with my daddy and headed to my aunt’s house to round up my effort to keep Thanksgiving as festive as it would be as any other year.

In a way, I felt a little guilty for having a good time for Thanksgiving. People were calling me and asking me how I was doing. They made me feel like I should have somehow told them I was doing terrible this Thanksgiving. What was wrong with me that I didn’t feel so bad this first Thanksgiving without her?

I guess it’s because Thanksgiving is about “family” in general. Yes, my mother is a part of my family. But there are so many others in my family that I was given the opportunity to focus on and create a good experience for during the Thanksgiving weekend. So, that’s what I did.

At this point, I’m thanking God for the few moments that I have that I don’t feel like crying. So, in honor of Thanksgiving 2015… God, thank you for a fairly peaceful, no tears Thanksgiving.
AB

If Only I knew

If I knew that I was going to miss Mama this much, I would've smothered her with my love and attention when she was here. She would've had to literally beat me off with a stick. Hind sight is always too late.

Always on my Mind

So, I’m running to the computer to stop myself from crying.

It appears that I get some kind of solace from writing about my grief and sorrow. I don’t know. Well, until I figure it out, I’ll be using this 2015 version of the pen and pad to help me cope.

I don’t know why Mama just crossed my mind all of the sudden. Heck… What am I talking about? She’s constantly on my mind. I don’t know how to get her off of it.

The truth is that it feels sort of like a betrayal to try to push her out of my head. How dare I try to not think of her?

I wonder how long will I feel like this? Will I ever get to a place when I can wash dishes, lie in my lover’s bed, enjoy a great dinner, listen to an emotionally driven gospel song, or fall asleep without thinking of Mama?

Do I even want to get to a place where I don’t think of her all the time? I’m not sure. I think so. But again, how can I let my thoughts of her escape me without feeling bad for leaving her behind?

I wish I knew I would have had all of these thoughts and feelings upon her death before she died. I would’ve certainly handled my time with her differently.

Oh, well… It is what it is. I can’t recapture the past and make it into something new or different. The only think I can do is remember it for what it was. And one thing I am glad of is that my memories of Mama are for the most part fond. The only memories that bring me pain are the ones that contain my and her physical health problems.

Good night, world. I’m going to read a new book. Interestingly enough, the book is called Memory Man. Isn’t it a bit ironic that I am now thinking about my memory right before I picked up this new book?

Mom's Funeral-Daddy's Birthday Party

I’m been feeling a lil’ better the last couple days. I got a good cry out of my system Sunday night. That cry should last me for the rest of the week. 

I haven’t been back in Mama’s room to do any additional cleaning and packing. I suspect that I’ll do a little over the weekend. Hopefully, I won’t get and be emotional.

On another note… I’ve decided to give my dad a 70th birthday party in December. It kind of sort of feels like a betrayal to be planning a celebration of life for one parent while mourning the death of another parent. But it is what it is. I cannot neglect to honor my dad’s birthday, just because my mom won’t have another one to celebrate.

Actually, I think that planning Daddy’s birthday party will prove to be therapeutic and healing for my soul. It’s giving me something to think about other than Mama. And it’s also allowing me to focus on what’s positive rather than the negative.

I’ve learned in this whole process that we should for sure give someone their flowers on this side of life rather than the other side. So, on December 12th, we will shower Daddy with all the flowers his allergies will allow. 

Oh, one more thing… I think that keeping this journal is helping me. I haven’t told anyone about it. I’m simply writing for me and not an audience. Getting my feelings out of my head and heart has proven to be just what the doctor ordered. I’m not sure if I’ll ever tell anyone about this place. If they stumble on it, I’ll be okay. However, I’m not ready to announce this location.

I’ll check in soon.

AB