Always on my Mind

So, I’m running to the computer to stop myself from crying.

It appears that I get some kind of solace from writing about my grief and sorrow. I don’t know. Well, until I figure it out, I’ll be using this 2015 version of the pen and pad to help me cope.

I don’t know why Mama just crossed my mind all of the sudden. Heck… What am I talking about? She’s constantly on my mind. I don’t know how to get her off of it.

The truth is that it feels sort of like a betrayal to try to push her out of my head. How dare I try to not think of her?

I wonder how long will I feel like this? Will I ever get to a place when I can wash dishes, lie in my lover’s bed, enjoy a great dinner, listen to an emotionally driven gospel song, or fall asleep without thinking of Mama?

Do I even want to get to a place where I don’t think of her all the time? I’m not sure. I think so. But again, how can I let my thoughts of her escape me without feeling bad for leaving her behind?

I wish I knew I would have had all of these thoughts and feelings upon her death before she died. I would’ve certainly handled my time with her differently.

Oh, well… It is what it is. I can’t recapture the past and make it into something new or different. The only think I can do is remember it for what it was. And one thing I am glad of is that my memories of Mama are for the most part fond. The only memories that bring me pain are the ones that contain my and her physical health problems.

Good night, world. I’m going to read a new book. Interestingly enough, the book is called Memory Man. Isn’t it a bit ironic that I am now thinking about my memory right before I picked up this new book?