Always on my Mind

So, I’m running to the computer to stop myself from crying.

It appears that I get some kind of solace from writing about my grief and sorrow. I don’t know. Well, until I figure it out, I’ll be using this 2015 version of the pen and pad to help me cope.

I don’t know why Mama just crossed my mind all of the sudden. Heck… What am I talking about? She’s constantly on my mind. I don’t know how to get her off of it.

The truth is that it feels sort of like a betrayal to try to push her out of my head. How dare I try to not think of her?

I wonder how long will I feel like this? Will I ever get to a place when I can wash dishes, lie in my lover’s bed, enjoy a great dinner, listen to an emotionally driven gospel song, or fall asleep without thinking of Mama?

Do I even want to get to a place where I don’t think of her all the time? I’m not sure. I think so. But again, how can I let my thoughts of her escape me without feeling bad for leaving her behind?

I wish I knew I would have had all of these thoughts and feelings upon her death before she died. I would’ve certainly handled my time with her differently.

Oh, well… It is what it is. I can’t recapture the past and make it into something new or different. The only think I can do is remember it for what it was. And one thing I am glad of is that my memories of Mama are for the most part fond. The only memories that bring me pain are the ones that contain my and her physical health problems.

Good night, world. I’m going to read a new book. Interestingly enough, the book is called Memory Man. Isn’t it a bit ironic that I am now thinking about my memory right before I picked up this new book?

Mom's Funeral-Daddy's Birthday Party

I’m been feeling a lil’ better the last couple days. I got a good cry out of my system Sunday night. That cry should last me for the rest of the week. 

I haven’t been back in Mama’s room to do any additional cleaning and packing. I suspect that I’ll do a little over the weekend. Hopefully, I won’t get and be emotional.

On another note… I’ve decided to give my dad a 70th birthday party in December. It kind of sort of feels like a betrayal to be planning a celebration of life for one parent while mourning the death of another parent. But it is what it is. I cannot neglect to honor my dad’s birthday, just because my mom won’t have another one to celebrate.

Actually, I think that planning Daddy’s birthday party will prove to be therapeutic and healing for my soul. It’s giving me something to think about other than Mama. And it’s also allowing me to focus on what’s positive rather than the negative.

I’ve learned in this whole process that we should for sure give someone their flowers on this side of life rather than the other side. So, on December 12th, we will shower Daddy with all the flowers his allergies will allow. 

Oh, one more thing… I think that keeping this journal is helping me. I haven’t told anyone about it. I’m simply writing for me and not an audience. Getting my feelings out of my head and heart has proven to be just what the doctor ordered. I’m not sure if I’ll ever tell anyone about this place. If they stumble on it, I’ll be okay. However, I’m not ready to announce this location.

I’ll check in soon.

AB