For some strange reason, Christmas wasn’t a problem for me. I got up like it was any other Christmas morning, gave the family their gifts from me, and relaxed until it was time to go to my cousin’s house for her annual Christmas party.
Strangely, my sister decided to add my mother’s name to the gift that I gave her. Even though I thought it was totally weird for her to place Mama’s name on the gift that I purchased for her after Mama was dead, I didn’t trip too hard. The truth is that I bought the gift with the money that Mama left me. So, I guess that in a way, the gift was also from Mama. My heart went out to my sister, who wanted to do anything she could to keep Mama a part of our Christmas. God bless my sis.
I did wish that Mama was there to watch my six-year-old niece, Elyssa, open all her gifts. But that desire wasn’t coupled with pain. It was just a simple wish that couldn’t be achieved. I dealt with it and kept it moving.
Later that night, we headed to my cousin’s house and had a good time with family. I was glad to hug and kiss everyone. I chose to focus on the family I did have left. I perhaps gave more gift than I usually do. I guess that was another way I coped with the loss. I gave from my heart to the people that were still left with me.
I’m quite thankful that Christmas 2016 was tolerable. I’m glad that I was with my family. I’m just glad that I wasn’t in the bed, crying all day because of Mama being gone.
Happy Holidays!
Sunday, December 27, 2015
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Hot Fun in the Wintertime!
This past weekend I got a chance to travel to Miami!!!!!!! It was my first time to the beautiful city. Unfortunately, it was rainy for most of the days we were there. But thankfully, the sun forced its way through the clouds long enough to shine and cover us with its love. What a joy it was to experience beautiful, winy, sunny weather in the winter time. Thank you Florida!!!!!!!
We were in Miami celebrating my friend’s Chad birthday. While I will not comment on the birthday celebrations or the people that were there to celebrate Chad’s birthday, I will talk about myself and what this trip meant for me.
Aside from the tropical winds and the occasional sun, the trip was filled with a lot of emotional ups and downs. What was I doing the whole time we were in Miami? You guessed it… I was thinking about Mama.
I was wishing that Mama was there with me to experience the wind, see the palm trees, smell the ocean, and enjoy the view from our 27th floor balcony. I wished she was there to tell me how glad she was to visit Florida for the first time in her life. But sadly, Mama never got a chance to visit Florida. And she never got a chance to take a “real” vacation with me.
By the time I was old enough and had enough money to invest in travel and vacation, Mama had her first stroke. It was a downhill slide for her health once that happened.
Here’s what I decided when I turned 40… I decided to visit somewhere I had not been at least once a year for the rest of my life or until my health fails me. When I turned 40, I went to New Orleans. Last year, I went to Miami. I’m trying to decide where I will pilgrimage to this year. I’ll keep you updated.
And when I go, I’ll be thinking of Mama. But I’ve now decided that instead of feeling sad that she’s not with me, I’ll be enjoying life in her honor. I’ll take every advantage of “living” that my mother didn’t get a chance to do.
So, here’s to the next trip!!!!!!! Can’t wait to live it up for myself and Mama!!!!!!!
We were in Miami celebrating my friend’s Chad birthday. While I will not comment on the birthday celebrations or the people that were there to celebrate Chad’s birthday, I will talk about myself and what this trip meant for me.
Aside from the tropical winds and the occasional sun, the trip was filled with a lot of emotional ups and downs. What was I doing the whole time we were in Miami? You guessed it… I was thinking about Mama.
I was wishing that Mama was there with me to experience the wind, see the palm trees, smell the ocean, and enjoy the view from our 27th floor balcony. I wished she was there to tell me how glad she was to visit Florida for the first time in her life. But sadly, Mama never got a chance to visit Florida. And she never got a chance to take a “real” vacation with me.
By the time I was old enough and had enough money to invest in travel and vacation, Mama had her first stroke. It was a downhill slide for her health once that happened.
Here’s what I decided when I turned 40… I decided to visit somewhere I had not been at least once a year for the rest of my life or until my health fails me. When I turned 40, I went to New Orleans. Last year, I went to Miami. I’m trying to decide where I will pilgrimage to this year. I’ll keep you updated.
And when I go, I’ll be thinking of Mama. But I’ve now decided that instead of feeling sad that she’s not with me, I’ll be enjoying life in her honor. I’ll take every advantage of “living” that my mother didn’t get a chance to do.
So, here’s to the next trip!!!!!!! Can’t wait to live it up for myself and Mama!!!!!!!
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Turkey, Dressing, and No Mama
Thanksgiving was good for me. I didn’t think too much about how terrible it was that Mama is gone. I focused on providing a good meal for the family despite our recent loss. I wanted to make sure that the holiday season didn’t miss a beat, even though we missed Mama.
We had a pretty good meal. After we ate, I hooked up with my daddy and headed to my aunt’s house to round up my effort to keep Thanksgiving as festive as it would be as any other year.
In a way, I felt a little guilty for having a good time for Thanksgiving. People were calling me and asking me how I was doing. They made me feel like I should have somehow told them I was doing terrible this Thanksgiving. What was wrong with me that I didn’t feel so bad this first Thanksgiving without her?
I guess it’s because Thanksgiving is about “family” in general. Yes, my mother is a part of my family. But there are so many others in my family that I was given the opportunity to focus on and create a good experience for during the Thanksgiving weekend. So, that’s what I did.
At this point, I’m thanking God for the few moments that I have that I don’t feel like crying. So, in honor of Thanksgiving 2015… God, thank you for a fairly peaceful, no tears Thanksgiving.
AB
We had a pretty good meal. After we ate, I hooked up with my daddy and headed to my aunt’s house to round up my effort to keep Thanksgiving as festive as it would be as any other year.
In a way, I felt a little guilty for having a good time for Thanksgiving. People were calling me and asking me how I was doing. They made me feel like I should have somehow told them I was doing terrible this Thanksgiving. What was wrong with me that I didn’t feel so bad this first Thanksgiving without her?
I guess it’s because Thanksgiving is about “family” in general. Yes, my mother is a part of my family. But there are so many others in my family that I was given the opportunity to focus on and create a good experience for during the Thanksgiving weekend. So, that’s what I did.
At this point, I’m thanking God for the few moments that I have that I don’t feel like crying. So, in honor of Thanksgiving 2015… God, thank you for a fairly peaceful, no tears Thanksgiving.
AB
Friday, November 20, 2015
If Only I knew
If I knew that I was going to miss Mama this much, I would've smothered her with my love and attention when she was here. She would've had to literally beat me off with a stick. Hind sight is always too late.
Monday, November 9, 2015
Dreaming
I’m very glad to report that I’ve been doing much better. The tears are showing up less and less. I haven’t cried in about three weeks.
However, the salty water has been replaced with dreams about Mama. I’m fine with that though. The dreams allow me a chance to hear Mama’s contagious laugh, take a look at her gorgeous smile, and have a quick talk with the woman I respect the most. I hope I never stop dreaming about her.
Although the grief is become less burdensome, I do find that I still think about Mama all the time. There’s very little that I can do in a run of a day that doesn’t somehow link to a memory of my mother. Shopping at Target, drinking lemonade, sitting outside on the porch, watching the Price is Right, picking out a new mattress, and getting dressed for work are just a few examples of the tasks I’ve done that cause me to think of her.
I’ve decided that I absolutely cannot stay at this house. Although I’m dedicated to holding my mother’s memory close to my heart, I do believe that the memory of Mama’s presence in this house is too much for me. I must find me a new home to create new memories. This house contains memories of Mama that are too painful to live in. While she didn’t die here, she did become deathly ill here. I cannot get those last moments here at the house out of my head.
And I’m still having issues with her room. I haven’t been in there to clean anything out since the last time I posted here.
Yeah, I know… I’m going to have to get better with that. All in time, my friends. All in time…
When I leap that hurdle with triumph, I’ll let you guys know.
However, the salty water has been replaced with dreams about Mama. I’m fine with that though. The dreams allow me a chance to hear Mama’s contagious laugh, take a look at her gorgeous smile, and have a quick talk with the woman I respect the most. I hope I never stop dreaming about her.
Although the grief is become less burdensome, I do find that I still think about Mama all the time. There’s very little that I can do in a run of a day that doesn’t somehow link to a memory of my mother. Shopping at Target, drinking lemonade, sitting outside on the porch, watching the Price is Right, picking out a new mattress, and getting dressed for work are just a few examples of the tasks I’ve done that cause me to think of her.
I’ve decided that I absolutely cannot stay at this house. Although I’m dedicated to holding my mother’s memory close to my heart, I do believe that the memory of Mama’s presence in this house is too much for me. I must find me a new home to create new memories. This house contains memories of Mama that are too painful to live in. While she didn’t die here, she did become deathly ill here. I cannot get those last moments here at the house out of my head.
And I’m still having issues with her room. I haven’t been in there to clean anything out since the last time I posted here.
Yeah, I know… I’m going to have to get better with that. All in time, my friends. All in time…
When I leap that hurdle with triumph, I’ll let you guys know.
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Both a Savior and a Killer
Even though I am completely aware of the multiple co-morbidities my mother possessed prior to death, I can’t help not feeling that a drug that was given to her to save her life was the actual cause of her death. What was the drug?
Brilinta: A drug given to patients after a heart attack of heart surgery to prevent a heart attack and/or stroke. The drug is supposed to prevent the formation of blood clots.
But as we all know, the most well intentioned and high performing drugs come with possible adverse side effects that can even lead to death. And sadly, my mom fell prey to the most adverse side effect listed on the website for the drug. https://www.brilinta.com/safety-and-side-effects/side-effects.html
My mother died of acute blood loss, which I believe was caused by the Brilinta. Prior to being diagnosed with Brilinta, she had no trouble with major bleeds in the GI track. But since March, almost a month after having heart surgery and being prescribed Brilinta, the episodes of acute blood loss started occurring quite frequently. The doctors would stop the blood thinner (Brilinta), but would warn us that she could have a stroke or a heart attack for not being on the drug. Then once the bleeding was under control, they would put her back on the drug to prevent a fatal cardiac event. But what would happen a month later? She would be bleeding internally all over again.
It was an awful see saw of treatment methods to try to save her life. If she didn’t take the medicine, they were sure she would die. If she did take the medicine, they weren’t sure of much. I say this because they could never track the bleeding. They would just give her blood transfusions until the blood count would increase and then hold steady at a manageable level.
This most recent time, her blood loss was massive. She had lost so much blood, the doctors were shocked she was still alive. The doctors said she was surviving on a fourth of what a normal person has in their body. They told us she needed five pints of blood products transfused in her body to save her life.
But my mom guaranteed her death by refusing to continue with another round of blood transfusions. This time, she said no to any medical interventions to save her life. The doctors still had no clue where she was bleeding from. And my mom was tired and ready to go. So, the doctors respected her wishes and sent the blood products back to wherever they came from. And less than 24-hours later, my mother was dead.
My heart grieves as I write this because I know that Brilinta, the drug that the docs gave her to save her life, was the drug that ended her life. How freaking ironic?
I’m not mad at the manufacturers of the drug though. I’m not mad at the doctors that prescribed the medicine. I’m not even mad at my mom for refusing the blood transfusions.
I’m just mad. Not sure at what or who though…
I’m for sure mad that my mother is gone.
I wish there was no need for Brilinta. I wish that my mom never needed a blood transfusion. I just wish that my mom was healthy, well, and right here with me.
With all of that being said, I do plan to report to the FDA that I believe that my mom died because of the adverse effect of Brilinta. I think it is important for the FDA to keep a documented count of the patients that did not respond well to this drug.
Here’s the FDA website that I’m using to make the report.
http://www.fda.gov/Safety/MedWatch/HowToReport/ucm337471.htm
Brilinta: A drug given to patients after a heart attack of heart surgery to prevent a heart attack and/or stroke. The drug is supposed to prevent the formation of blood clots.
But as we all know, the most well intentioned and high performing drugs come with possible adverse side effects that can even lead to death. And sadly, my mom fell prey to the most adverse side effect listed on the website for the drug. https://www.brilinta.com/safety-and-side-effects/side-effects.html
My mother died of acute blood loss, which I believe was caused by the Brilinta. Prior to being diagnosed with Brilinta, she had no trouble with major bleeds in the GI track. But since March, almost a month after having heart surgery and being prescribed Brilinta, the episodes of acute blood loss started occurring quite frequently. The doctors would stop the blood thinner (Brilinta), but would warn us that she could have a stroke or a heart attack for not being on the drug. Then once the bleeding was under control, they would put her back on the drug to prevent a fatal cardiac event. But what would happen a month later? She would be bleeding internally all over again.
It was an awful see saw of treatment methods to try to save her life. If she didn’t take the medicine, they were sure she would die. If she did take the medicine, they weren’t sure of much. I say this because they could never track the bleeding. They would just give her blood transfusions until the blood count would increase and then hold steady at a manageable level.
This most recent time, her blood loss was massive. She had lost so much blood, the doctors were shocked she was still alive. The doctors said she was surviving on a fourth of what a normal person has in their body. They told us she needed five pints of blood products transfused in her body to save her life.
But my mom guaranteed her death by refusing to continue with another round of blood transfusions. This time, she said no to any medical interventions to save her life. The doctors still had no clue where she was bleeding from. And my mom was tired and ready to go. So, the doctors respected her wishes and sent the blood products back to wherever they came from. And less than 24-hours later, my mother was dead.
My heart grieves as I write this because I know that Brilinta, the drug that the docs gave her to save her life, was the drug that ended her life. How freaking ironic?
I’m not mad at the manufacturers of the drug though. I’m not mad at the doctors that prescribed the medicine. I’m not even mad at my mom for refusing the blood transfusions.
I’m just mad. Not sure at what or who though…
I’m for sure mad that my mother is gone.
I wish there was no need for Brilinta. I wish that my mom never needed a blood transfusion. I just wish that my mom was healthy, well, and right here with me.
With all of that being said, I do plan to report to the FDA that I believe that my mom died because of the adverse effect of Brilinta. I think it is important for the FDA to keep a documented count of the patients that did not respond well to this drug.
Here’s the FDA website that I’m using to make the report.
http://www.fda.gov/Safety/MedWatch/HowToReport/ucm337471.htm
Saturday, October 10, 2015
Always on my Mind
So, I’m running to the computer to stop myself from crying.
It appears that I get some kind of solace from writing about my grief and sorrow. I don’t know. Well, until I figure it out, I’ll be using this 2015 version of the pen and pad to help me cope.
I don’t know why Mama just crossed my mind all of the sudden. Heck… What am I talking about? She’s constantly on my mind. I don’t know how to get her off of it.
The truth is that it feels sort of like a betrayal to try to push her out of my head. How dare I try to not think of her?
I wonder how long will I feel like this? Will I ever get to a place when I can wash dishes, lie in my lover’s bed, enjoy a great dinner, listen to an emotionally driven gospel song, or fall asleep without thinking of Mama?
Do I even want to get to a place where I don’t think of her all the time? I’m not sure. I think so. But again, how can I let my thoughts of her escape me without feeling bad for leaving her behind?
I wish I knew I would have had all of these thoughts and feelings upon her death before she died. I would’ve certainly handled my time with her differently.
Oh, well… It is what it is. I can’t recapture the past and make it into something new or different. The only think I can do is remember it for what it was. And one thing I am glad of is that my memories of Mama are for the most part fond. The only memories that bring me pain are the ones that contain my and her physical health problems.
Good night, world. I’m going to read a new book. Interestingly enough, the book is called Memory Man. Isn’t it a bit ironic that I am now thinking about my memory right before I picked up this new book?
It appears that I get some kind of solace from writing about my grief and sorrow. I don’t know. Well, until I figure it out, I’ll be using this 2015 version of the pen and pad to help me cope.
I don’t know why Mama just crossed my mind all of the sudden. Heck… What am I talking about? She’s constantly on my mind. I don’t know how to get her off of it.
The truth is that it feels sort of like a betrayal to try to push her out of my head. How dare I try to not think of her?
I wonder how long will I feel like this? Will I ever get to a place when I can wash dishes, lie in my lover’s bed, enjoy a great dinner, listen to an emotionally driven gospel song, or fall asleep without thinking of Mama?
Do I even want to get to a place where I don’t think of her all the time? I’m not sure. I think so. But again, how can I let my thoughts of her escape me without feeling bad for leaving her behind?
I wish I knew I would have had all of these thoughts and feelings upon her death before she died. I would’ve certainly handled my time with her differently.
Oh, well… It is what it is. I can’t recapture the past and make it into something new or different. The only think I can do is remember it for what it was. And one thing I am glad of is that my memories of Mama are for the most part fond. The only memories that bring me pain are the ones that contain my and her physical health problems.
Good night, world. I’m going to read a new book. Interestingly enough, the book is called Memory Man. Isn’t it a bit ironic that I am now thinking about my memory right before I picked up this new book?
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